Reflections

So, where were we? Aaah yes, the lovely trip from Arequipa to Cusco. Strange as it will sound, the reason why the trip was lovely is because I cried for a large portion of it. I suppose that requires some explanation. :)

If you´ll remember, it was around this time that I seriously started thinking about why I had come here and how I would like to spend the rest of my time in South America. Sometimes we do things with the full knowledge of the reasons that led us there and sometimes we have a strong feeling that something is required and only later do we discover the specific details. With me these kind of feelings are very common. It´s almost as if my body/subconscious/soul, whatever you want to call it, knows exactly what I need when I need it. When I ignore it, I usually end up paying for it at some point in the future. And so when I left Israel, I was fully aware that I needed to get away, but it was not entirely clear to me why and what I exactly needed. As is often the case, the journey itself was what led me to discover the answers.

Before I left Israel, a combination of very needful people/events/occupations in my life left me feeling very depleted and I seriously needed a ¨refill¨. I also went through a long and arduous process whereby I began to discover a lot of things about myself, a rebirth if you will. Now I am very appreciative of my friends and family and cannot thank them enough for the support and assistance I received during the difficult times in my life. Having said that, sometimes a person really needs to be alone to be able to pull himself together and regroup. So I chose to take myself out of my familiar settings in order to be able to disconnect completely and to ¨connect the dots¨ so to speak.

I have gone through a lot in the last few years and it has not been easy. I lost a lot of things along the way and gained even more. The survivor in me chose to take the lead in this process, so I have mostly been in good spirits and have moved on with my life, without stopping too much to dwell on the losses. So the truth of the matter is that I needed some time to mourn. And I needed to do it alone.

A very good friend of mine gave me an amazing book before I left Israel called ¨Eat, Pray, Love¨. It was written by Elizabeth Gilbert, a divorced woman in her 30s who decides to take a year off her life in order to rediscover who she is (sound familiar?) It was mind boggling to see just how similar some of our experiences were. There were times when I felt she was taking the words right out of my mouth. At some point in the book, she describes sitting on her own and remembering, one by one, all the negative experiences she went through in order to put them behind her. For some reason I was reminded of this during my trip from Arequipa to Cusco. It sounded like a little bit of hocus pocus, but strangely it also made sense. I had heard once, and experienced countless times before, that the easiest way to deal with pain is by going through it. So I decided to give it a try.

I relaxed in my chair and let scenes run before my eyes, uncomfortable situations I got myself in, places I cried my eyes out, instances I was hurt, instances I let myself be hurt, the anger, the pain, the humiliation, the frustrations, anything and everything I could think of. And I cried. Let me tell you, it´s not very easy to cry discreetly when you´re travelling with someone else. Thankfully Rikki fell asleep at some point so that made life easier. :) And I let the sadness wash over me. And I enjoyed the crying and the sadness. I enjoyed it because I was not the same person anymore who had gone through all that. Because I had chosen to accept the past and grow from it. Because I could give the sadness the space it needed and not let it consume me. And I laughed and I cried all together because it was all behind me and I was happy. That was my catharsis and it was the beginning of the final chapter (I hope!) of my healing.

So then I knew what I had to do. I had not come here to live someone else´s dream. Someone in a Beit Chabad once quipped that the theme in South America is ¨it´s my vacation and I will do exactly what everyone else is doing¨. Well, my vacation was an internal one and I needed to do whatever I felt would facilitate that process. So I was not going to spend my time running from attraction to attraction or seeing countless Inca ruins, however much that might shock people.

With that mindset I arrived in Cusco. And promptly signed up for a very popular trip to Macchu Picchu. :P

Well, OK, not exactly. But you´ll hear more about that in my next post. Which I promise will include more photos, if not less gab. :)